Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A tweak in my plans...

So. Things are going well. We are slowly getting back on track with school, sleeping schedules, chores, and such. Mostly finishing up last year's school, and waiting to order our new curriculum (this Friday, YAY!). I really am looking forward to the new books, new paper and pencils, new start! I love fresh starts!! Then, a wrench gets thrown (and stuck) into our/MY wheels. I found out I have a ventral (abdominal) hernia. Not to big of a deal, in general, but I have noticed that it's getting bigger. It does make me feel nauseous at times, as well as cause pain, or at the very least, discomfort. First opinion was to get surgery, and soon. Second opinion? Same. The good news is I like my surgeon. Well, as much as you can like someone you know for a whole 7 minutes or so. The other good news is he will go in laproscoptically to fix it. Bad news is that IF it's too close to my pelvic, he will actually have to "open me up" to fix it. Yuck. Just a harder route, all around. But, I have faith that things will be ok, no matter what way it needs to be fixed, or how the surgery goes. I am reminded to be thankful I live in a country where I can simply decide to go to the doctor and fix whatever needs to be fixed, period. But there is more. The worse news? This is the hardest, HARDEST part for me. Recovery will be for 4 weeks. Not too bad, at first. I figure, sure. I can do that. So, running? Exercising? This won't be the time to start training for anything? Nothing too crazy, right? Well, yes. And no. I cannot lift or carry ANYTHING over 5 lbs. What? 5 LBS?!? So, what? I can carry my water bottle, MAYBE? (Better weigh that sucker, lol!). No, what this means is I cannot lift or carry my sweet, precious 8 month old beauty, Liana. Ugh. This is killing me. JUST the thought of it, and I haven't even had to start yet! How in the WORLD can I go about my day, ignoring my sweet baby reaching up to me? Nursing her is going to be ridiculously complicated!! I'm seriously having major anger issues with this. Why would my GOD and KING ask this of me? Why this surgery,at this time? And then I think....Why not me? Many, MANY better people than I go through (and are going through) much worse. But I'm still in anguish over how hard this is going to be. On me, on Liana, on my oldest, Julia. Chris will be mostly at work, so it will fall mostly on my sweet Julia. Every time I think of what is ahead, I am again filled with the smothering anguish and sadness. This, all this emotion, anger... all about a measly four weeks. Four weeks that will, most likely, be soon forgotten.

Our amazing and wonderful Lord reminds me of Romans 8:28..."And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." He reminds me that whatever the outcome of this surgery, this process, it is His will. He is molding and sculpting me to become the more perfect me for His Kingdom. And others, too. Wonderful family and beautiful friends, rising to the "occasion", ready and willing to help. And...I see some of how He already has graciously prepared to care for me, as I would lovingly prepare for my own children. I am so thankful for that. Praise our King, Creator of All! He who loves us SO much, who gave us Christ Jesus to save us. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving us and for using all things, good and bad, hard and easy, for your Glory and our good!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Virtuous Wife

This crazy house! Full of chaos. Lots of noise...and messes. Piles of clean clothes that need to be folded and either put away or doanted, as well as dirty ones waiting for their turn in the washer. A sink full of dirty dishes. Beds that need to be changed, bathrooms that need a good scrub.... the list goes on and on! Admittedly, this is my fault. If I could somehow get OCD, we'd be fine! Ha-Ha. But I tend to be more laid back about things...I guess. This coming school year, I am striving to be more of a Proverbs 31 mama and wifey. God is so wonderful, and has already been showing me and telling me how to go about this. "But wait!", I cry. "Liana is only 8 months old and won't even sleep through the night yet! Gabriel is SO full of energy some days, Alyssa needs more attention from me, and Julia is getting older and I need to be sure to really, purposely be building up the sturdy frame work of who she is becoming. Plus, I've heard Your call to also be a wife, as described in 1 Peter 3:1-6. How can I possibly do all this? Not to mention being a daughter, sister, friend, niece, aunt, and neighbor!!". When I stop this mini-rant for a moment, I already hear the answer. Not so much an audible one, but still one that is softly whispered in my heart... "Not of your strength, but of Mine". I become still. Even as I type this, I well up with tears. Tears of thankfulness, of joy. My Savior. The Creator of ALL. Literally the Kings of Kings, talking to me, guiding me. What have we done to deserve such an amazing, phenomenal blessing? Nothing. Not a single thing. Well, at least, nothing we could earn. Once we simply accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we GET His amazing Grace and Mercy. Oh, I so love that!! Now more than ever. For Him, Creator of the Universe, to love me so much that even the "little" things He blesses me (and you) in daily life. Like...finding my keys, hitting all the green lights (when I'm probably already late!), or some real honest-to-goodness alone time!!

So, in HIS strength. What does that look like? A lot of prayer, definitely. Seeking Him even more through out the day. I so love talking to Him! As I go about my day thinking of things going on and people in my life (both good and bad), I love that His Spirit is always guiding, showing, and explaining things. Sometimes not all at once. I've been learning even more about patience, even though I was pretty sure He had me do my "fair share" already!

This coming year, I hope (and pray) to get closer to who God created me to be. I know that He is shaping me, feeling very aware of the people He has in my life and circumstances that are sculpting a better me. I had told one of my best friends, Rachel, that I was sure something even more horrible and worse than what we were already currently dealing with, must be coming soon. I thought that I even knew what it was. I had also told her that I was prepared for it. I truly believe and see how ALL things, (good, bad, and horrible) really do work for the good of those who love Him. I know that His will, whatever it may be, is ALL I want. As I was sharing this very emotional time with her, I also told her that I feel His presence  stronger and more frequent than ever before, and this was why I thought this storm in our lives was about to get even darker and more horrible. I love what she said to me. Something so simple. So biblical. So true. "Maybe the reason you feel Him so much more frequent and stronger is because you are seeking Him more frequently and strongly?" Wow. Maybe? Why was I surprised, and even unaware, of Him answering one of my most heart-felt pleas? Surely, I already knew how Mighty our God is, and how much He loves us. He reminds me that all the time. How He delights in me (in all of His children) as I delight in my own children. In small things, and in big things. Well, what I had thought as the storm getting even harder and darker turned out to be quite the opposite! It was a beautiful, wonderful, amazing start of a different season instead. The end of one sad and bad season, and the beginning of a season filled with a miracle,  healing, and growing. I see it as spring. Sunny, with beautiful flowers full of hope, a sweet spring breeze filled with wonderful music. And thanksgiving. Lots and lots of praises and thanksgiving to our Lord and King!

And in the midst of this wonderful season, I will be doing even more seeking of Him. Because the more I seek Him, the more of Him He gives me, and the more I thirst for Him. How to seek Him? Prayer, reading the Word of God (the Bible), going to church to learn more. And fellowship. Beautiful, sweet fellowship with others who love God and seek Him in their lives as well. (What a blessing!)

As for the house? Still chaotic, still messy, still very loud at times. But I do love it. I look forward to it becoming less messy, and I love having Him with me as I strive to continue creating the home I envision in Proverbs 31: a home filled with worship for Him, glorifying Him, and raising up servants for Him. A home (mostly) organized, filled with love and hard work. And me, a woman "who's worth is far above rubies".... (Proverbs 31)